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The number of losses associated with infertility makes depression a very common response. In addition to the loss of a baby, infertility represents the loss of fulfilling a dream and the loss of a relationship that you might have had with a child. What you are mourning for is the absence of experience - and this type of sadness can be especially hard to deal with. You and your partner may have even more difficulty dealing with these losses because friends and family often underestimate the emotional impact of infertility - and you have no one to talk to. The nature of infertility is such that you may never know definitely whether you are able to conceive or what is causing the problem. Your grief therefore has nothing to focus on - and there is the continual hope that "this will be the time" which can leave your emotions painfully suspended, creating a continual "hoping against hope" attitude. When someone dies, the death brings family and friends together to grieve the loss - and this helps in healing. In contrast, infertility is a very private form of grief - you grieve alone without social support because the loss is hidden.
Hopelessness is related to depression and usually results from the up and down cycle of emotions produced by infertility and its treatment. Most likely, you'll feel hopeful during mid-cycle when you've been treated and are looking forward to success. But if the cycle is unsuccessful, hopelessness can occur, and you may feel that you'll never become pregnant. Starting over again each month can make dealing with infertility especially tough. After the disappointment of several unsuccessful cycles, you may find it difficult to maintain a positive attitude. You may think that it gets easier with time - but it never does - and every time it fails, old wounds (which you hoped had healed) open again. After all, every time you start a treatment (especially when it is a new type of therapy you have never tried before; or treatment with a new doctor), you always do it with the hope that "this" time it's going to work for you. If you didn't have this hope, no matter how small, no one would ever start treatment at all ! Many patients deliberately try to suppress their hopes, because the pain of failing when you are hopeful is much harder to bear , and they try to resign themselves to failure. Others worry constantly about the future as well, because they know as they get older, their fertility declines.
You and your partner have probably planned your lives so that you'll begin a family at the most favourable time. Many of us think everything is possible if we work hard enough - and not being able to have a baby is often the first time you experience failure against forces at work which are beyond your control, no matter how hard you try. You may have practised birth control for years and waited until your careers were established before trying to have a baby. Discovering that you are infertile removes these feelings of control over your own life. During treatment, you may find yourself putting other parts of your lives on hold. This might include postponing moving to a new home, continuing your education, changing jobs, or establishing new relationships. The more you give up, the less in control you're likely to feel. Each treatment cycle can become a roller coaster of emotions with its ups and downs - the hopes of success and the frustration of failure.
© Dr. Aniruddha Malpani and Dr. Anjali Malpani www.drmalpani.com
Credits: How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility
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