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Infertility is a medical problem that involves two people - and both of you remain involved even if only one person needs medical treatment. Attend medical appointments together if possible - it is very lonely and frightening sitting alone in the doctor's clinic, and the support you give by your presence is very helpful. Sometimes the partner who is undergoing all the tests and treatment (usually the woman!) may feel resentful and angry at all the poking and prodding. Blow off your feelings - but not at your partner - rage at fate instead. Chances are your spouse would do anything to take this burden from you. If you are the partner who is not being treated, you may feel strangely guilty that you are getting off "free". You may also be upset and blame your partner for the infertility problem but being upset and giving needless blame are two different things. Some husbands are very upset about all the procedures that their wives have to undergo, and often cannot bear to see the pain they have to go through.
Men and women generally respond to infertility differently. Generally, while men are concerned about infertility, it may be less crucial to their self-esteem and identity. Also, handling the emotional impact of infertility may be more difficult for them because they are not used to voicing and sharing these types of concerns - they are taught to bottle up their feelings. On the other hand, women frequently accept the label of being infertile as a key aspect of themselves and who they are. In Indian society, the pressure to conceive is directed towards the woman, and it is often she who has to bear the brunt of its impact.
It is common among infertile couples for the woman to be the much more verbal and emotional partner. This often leads to the wife thinking and talking incessantly about infertility, and her whole world now revolves around how to have a baby. She talks (or complains or screams or cries) about it and wishes her husband could feel the intensity of her pain. He tries to be supportive, but never seems to be able to do or say the right thing, so he gets "put off and shut off" and refuses to talk about it - exacerbating the tension even more. In order to help keep infertility from becoming an all-consuming event and to break this vicious cycle of one-sided conversation in which no productive communication occurs, the "20-minute rule" recommended by Merle Bombardieri of Resolve, an infertility counselor is very useful. You need to set aside a period of time each evening to talk about infertility. Use a timer to limit each person to 20 minutes and let one speak and then the other. The person not speaking needs to listen intently.
This technique is useful in achieving the following outcomes:
Communication in your relationship may change as you and your partner deal with infertility and its treatment. Sometimes, you may keep emotions to yourselves as you try to protect one another from painful feelings. This situation may create especially difficult feelings such as anger, blame, and guilt, and you may find that there is even more pressure in your relationship. You have the right to feel differently about infertility treatments and choices after all, even though you are a couple, you are still individuals with your own separate identities. Individual responses depend on personality, coping mechanisms, who has the fertility problem, and your relationship with your partner. You may feel hopeful and optimistic, while your partner feels hopeless and despondent - and you may find that you are balancing on opposite sides of an emotional seesaw. You can agree to disagree - but keep your heads and fight fairly, and honestly.
Acknowledge the fact that infertility does put a lot of stress on the marriage. In fact, it is not uncommon for some marriages to break down because of the pressure which infertility subjects them to. However, if you have the maturity to deal with this crisis in your life together, you will find that learning to cope with infertility allows you and your partner to grow and become closer as you share your feelings throughout this difficult time - and your marriage will become much stronger than most marriages because you have weathered a difficult time together successfully.
© Dr. Aniruddha Malpani and Dr. Anjali Malpani www.drmalpani.com
Credits: How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility
