|
|
Recently a couple of friends told me about some similar upsets in their personal lives, and I couldn't help but note the connection. While these women do not know each other and live miles apart, both cases involve ex-husbands and new babies.
In one friend's case, her ex-husband, now remarried after his abrupt and hurtful departure from her life, is expecting a new child. This after quite a lengthy marriage that included adoption as their infertility resolution.
_2.jpg)
In the other's situation, her ex-husband, who also left abruptly and after many years, is expecting his second child with a new wife whom he first impregnated when merely separated from my friend. This, after my friend learned of her husband's affair just before their first IVF attempt.
In the second scenario, my friend married her high school sweetheart, the first man in her life, and had what seemed to be a fun-filled, happy marriage that crumbled under the weight of infertility. Her pain is fresh, relatively speaking, as the divorce itself is just about a year old, and because her life was turned upside down virtually overnight by her former spouse's cruel actions. The other friend's situation is somewhat more resolved, having occurred over a longer period of time.
In both cases, however, the pain of watching their ex'es have babies with other women stings the worst.
Both friends are stable, likeable people with supportive friends, loving families, and busy careers. Very full lives. Both realized at some point that they are better off without their former spouses, and in fact, are happier now.
Still, the pain of not having been "the one" to have their spouses' children is there, after much time spent trying in one case, and even after being so terribly hurt in another.
I wondered as I emailed with these women, both of whom learned in the same week that their ex-spouses are reproducing with other women, at how long the pain from never conceiving lasts. It's a question that most who are still actively trying to conceive do not want to discuss, understandably. They still hope that it's a moot question for them, in the end.
For those who have crossed some sort of bridge in life, though, it is reality. Inevitably, some who venture down the infertility path will find themselves at choosing to live without children. We even have a Forum here for folks in that situation, calling it "Child Free," a name for which I've been called on the carpet by at least one emailer, who wrote,
Child "free" is a pretty sad way to put anguish. If one does not elect to be childless, there is nothing "free" about it. What a glossover.
Is it the case that such anguish never lets up? Some who have chosen to live this way say it's all in your perspective, that it is possible to feel free of children after having gone through so much to bring them into your life and finally resigning yourself to having none. They say support by like-minded folks is crucial to get there. Hence, our separate Forum.
Still, I wonder.
Two very strong women are feeling bruised from a pain that was inflicted years ago. One even has children, adopted, yet still winces when she hears her ex is biologically parenting now. The other speaks glibly about her newfound life as a single woman after having only one man in her life previously, and she swears that my talking about my son doesn't bring about painful memories for her of our time TTC'ing together. Her caustic words reveal her, however, as she describes her ex upon learning that he is expecting Baby Number Two in as many years.
I admit that I am feeling yet again that uncomfortably settled sense from having skated by through one of life's most terrific challenges. I don't have to find out if the pain lasts forever.
© Tracy Morris
