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To paraphrase the poet, Robert Frost, all of us have experienced an occasional yearning for the "road not traveled." We wonder, "what if?" So, too, will our adopted children wonder, "What if my biological parents had raised me? How would my life be different?" However, this does not need to be a negative experience. Adoption can be an extremely healing option, as it tries to metamorphose joy and belonging from its roots in grief. Grief and loss frequently touch all three sides of the triad-the adoptive parents lose their dream of a biological child, the adoptive child loses his/her biological parents, and the biological parents lose their child. Adoption tries to reach for joy and belonging in the midst of loss-to become the phoenix rising from the flames to be reborn. Overwhelmingly, in most instances, adoption does succeed as a healing force for the parties involved.
Embracing adoption as a means of family building does entail some "homework." But then, so did infertility treatment. It requires educating oneself about the myths and realities of adoption as a process of nurturing an adoptive family. For those who require family support in order to pursue an adoption, the education component is crucial. One's parents, in particular, may need to experience their own grieving process for the "lost biological grandchild" before they, too, can move forward to embrace the adoption process.
Financial issues associated with adoption may also be a source of anxiety for prospective adoptive parents. As one becomes more comfortable talking about adoption and shares that decision with others, the amount of support, both emotional and financial, can be quite surprising. I have had many clients who, after years of infertility treatment, decided to adopt. Their families, upon learning of their decision, helped to finance the adoption with joyful hearts. There was no sense of obligation in these gestures, for the family members received the blessing of a new grandchild, a cousin, a niece or a nephew to love.
A tiny minority of individuals has family members who adamantly oppose the thought of adoption. At this point, if family relations were to be maintained, perhaps even salvaged, turning to a professional counselor would probably be prudent. Further, agencies which offer seminars led by adoptive parents, birth parents and adult adoptees are a good way to learn about the grief issues confronted by members of the adoption triad and to comprehend and empathize with those on the "other end" of adoption.
© Caroline Harding, MSW, MFA
Credits: Adopting Today
