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There may come a time, following diagnosis and treatment of infertility, when one begins to feel that there are many paths to parenthood, which are not dependent on biological reproduction. The uncertainty and physical intrusiveness of infertility treatments may begin to offer more stress than hope for a viable pregnancy. The "adoption option" begins to look more attractive as a means of building a family. At this point, if the path to adoption has begun, a feeling of relief that infertility treatment has ceased may be sensed.
Given one's background, temperament and upbringing, there are a myriad number of emotional responses to infertility. In turn, those responses will likely carry over into feelings about adoption. For those women, who have always desperately wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth, the grieving process may be more intense and prolonged than for those who have not particularly yearned for the experience. Some individuals are not deeply tied to the idea of seeing their own faces reflected in their children's and those people may have an easier time adjusting to the idea of adoption. Further, some men and women may have to resolve feelings of "failure," that they could not achieve pregnancy, and in a sense, that their bodies "betrayed" them. For men, issues of masculinity and "carrying on the bloodline" may come into play.
I would like to stress that infertility is a life-long issue; it does not simply "go away" once the decision to adopt has been made. The door is never fully closed on the grief or loss inherent in infertility. When one's adoptive children reach childbearing age, the issue may come up again. When grandchildren are born, one may look at the grandchild and wonder, "Whom does this child look like? Certainly not me!" If one has a daughter or son who precociously has a child early in life, the issue of infertility may come up once again. The key here is awareness-the awareness that infertility issues may, indeed, arise again. Thus, the goal is to come to a "livable accommodation" with those issues.
© Caroline Harding, MSW, MFA
Credits: Adopting Today
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