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We also discovered that this is a very difficult concept, especially for people who have spent much of their recent lives trying to have children. It sounds like giving up or taking second best. One woman asked us, in a rather accusing tone, whether we were offered an easy medical cure for our infertility problem, wouldn't we take the cure and have children? We both responded, without hesitation, that we wouldn't. That part of our lives is over. We like who we are now, and our plans for our lives do not include children of our own.
But our lives do include other children. One especially pleasing consequence of our choice to live childfree was that children came back into our lives. We had avoided them as much as possible during the struggle with our infertility because of the pain they caused us. But we found ourselves opening our hearts to children once again. We no longer perceive them as reminders of what we don't have, ready evidence of our inadequacy. At this writing, we are enriched by two god-daughters, three nieces, and two nephews. And we love birthday parties.
This transformation has probably meant more to me than to Mike. One of the reasons I became an obstetrician was the joy of watching a mother's belly grow and of bringing a baby into a loving family. When I was infertile, though, all this changed. The joy was replaced by jealousy and pain; the baby business was no longer a happy one for me. Deciding to live childgree brought the joy back. I no longer look at pregnant women as a threat. I still may cry a little at a birth, but it's not because of jealousy any more. Now, the tears are once again tears of happiness for the baby and for its mother and parent. This baby and their love for this baby are my hope for the future, my legacy, my joy.
If you found this excerpt from "sweet grapes" provocative or enlightening, you'll love the book!
© Jean W. Carter and Michael P. Carter
Credits: Perspectives Press
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