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I have been functioning, although barely, on vanity for the past five weeks. I now have only one more week before the wedding, with all of the typical last-minute details to attend to. Rather than curl up in a fetal position on my bed and wish the world away, I am propelled by the fact that soon my new in-laws will be descending on my hometown, to join with my family and friends in wishing Jim and I well as we marry.
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I returned to my temporary position at the children's hospital one week after the miscarriage. Being busy there plus managing the wedding, one would think that I had little time to feel what has happened to us. Instead, I am wandering about my day like an observer, my own thoughts and feelings crowded together in my brain where there is no more room. Somehow, I manage not to have accidents on the drive to and from work, somehow I get done what needs to be done.
Now, in this last week before our nuptials, I have chosen to take time from work and focus on me. The worker whom I filled in for at the hospital will return shortly, and my friends there will call in the future if they need me. I will use the time this week to have my hair done, return to my yoga, clean my house, and put out the fires that erupt before big events. As my fiance rarely sees his out-of-state family, we have chosen to delay our honeymoon and instead have different groups of family stay in our home during the week following our wedding. We are and will be busy, busy, busy.
I have lost a little weight since the pregnancy, mostly from stress, and my dress fits more loosely now. I do not have the emotional strength to bring it to the dressmaker for alterations. I have just put that issue out of my mind.
Since we naively told everyone in our path that we were pregnant, I vaguely sense that will have some sort of bearing on our wedding day. Originally, we had tried to work into our ceremony with the minister the fact that we were expecting a child; it was not easy to tell her our sad news and then make ceremonial changes accordingly. We have been very lucky to have nothing but positively supportive friends and family throughout this ordeal, but I cannot help but wonder if some might not be able to help but look at my flat stomach, made even flatter by a wedding-day corset, and feel sorry for us. I just hope that everything else goes so well that they feel more positive than I do right now.
© Tracy Morris
