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The holidays are here, and I am totally burned to a crisp. As a social worker for families, the end of each calendar year has meant increasingly stressful situations for my clients, which translates to increased hours and effort for my co-workers and me. I have been fortunate in not having to actually be in the office on the standard holidays, but the days leading up to and immediately following are often hellish. My life feels like a three-ring circus of work, home, and my own needs, and the constant juggling of acts is becoming disabling. Things, however, are changing.
My new relaxation techniques have worked only to the point of helping me to realize how much better my life could be. No matter how much yoga or beauty-consulting I do, I have been unable to grasp a new, more positive feeling about my work at the hospital. Feeling this way, I have started looking at my life with disdain. I am miserable, exhausted, and feel that I have little to show for my spent energy, particularly in the arenas of home and self.
My husband-to-be can only watch me with tired eyes as I attempt to play ringleader over all the pieces of my life. He listens to me cry almost nightly as I describe the days' events; his counsel is helpful and supportive. I admire his simple view of living and know that is one of his main attractions for me. Most of the time, I hear him saying what I already know, and it is beginning to make complete sense.
How many years have I worked with clients who are daily facing the fact that they have a potentially terminal illness? Have I learned nothing from them? While I believe that I value life more deeply because of my experiences, I talk casually about death now. It's as if I have gleaned the worst of all possible responses, along with the good. The man I am going to marry, while openly admiring me for my choice in careers, believes that I have come to the end of this act. I believe he is right.
I have decided to let full-time employment be a part of my history, at least for now. I will work my new beauty-consulting business and whatever other temporary acts come my way, but my primary goal is a child. While I grieve the passing of the chaotic swirl of activity, I feel lighter in my shoes. A positive energy, one that I can physically feel, surrounds me as I plunge headlong towards being a mother...
© Tracy Morris
