Journal: Epilogue

To Everything, There is a Season

I struggled for nearly two years over whether or not to include the rest of our story, for several reasons, but primarily because this is after all an infertility community. As someone who has lived the journey, I take very seriously the pain that others continue to experience. The last thing I want to do is add to that pain.

However, in those two years, I have been contacted numerous times by others wondering if they've somehow missed the continuation pages of my journal. When I first began this journal online several years ago, I had no idea that anyone would be interested. In fact, I've found that others are indeed interested and have felt as if they're left hanging by my last entry.

What happened next?

I refer you now to my online Pregnancy Diary, which I maintained via a website called "BabyData" which no longer exists. Considering how early we usually learn of our conceptions, you'll find that my diary begins quite far along into my pregnancy; if you have already read my previous entries, then you probably understand why I waited so long.

Besides not wanting to add to others' pain, another reason for my hesitancy in making this diary available to the public is the very personal nature of it. You'll see that it's written as letters directly to my unborn child, and it was not written in hindsight. It was written as the events and emotions occurred. It is sometimes quite sappy, other times anxious, always true. Letting thousands of people in on that sort of thing as it happens is very hard. Now that some time has passed, I feel less vulnerable.

Before you read my pregnancy diary, though, I'd like to share some of the things that I learned through my entire family-building journey. I'd like to share it all, but it's still unfolding for me, and probably will be forever.

I learned how naive I was, even when I thought I was well-educated, sophisticated, and jaded beyond innocence.

I learned that I am capable of surviving tremendous amounts of emotional pain.

I learned how to give myself injections.

I learned of how much ugly envy I am capable of feeling.

I learned just how precious, truly precious, life is in this world.

I learned that in the world of having babies, the concept of "being deserving" has no place.

On that last note, I offer a comment on "being blessed," something discussed so poignantly by my Goldfish comrades and I, in addition to, I'm sure, every other group of people who wonder why they are not able to have their own biological child...

If you've read my previous journal entries, then you no doubt have discerned that I am spiritually agnostic (no emails offering to save me, please.) If any effect was had on my spirituality by my journey through infertility and loss, it was to more firmly adhere my only steadfast belief that anything is possible.

To say I have been blessed is to say that others who have not yet had biological children have not been blessed. Does that mean they have been scorned or abandoned? I cannot believe that way.

People who are trying very hard to have a biological child will do almost anything, in many cases, to accomplish that goal. They want to know how others succeeded, in hopes of putting to work that magic for themselves. Reality is, of course, there is no magic. That does not mean there are no miracles.

Because of my experiences, I recharted a course for myself of learning more about what we call "the miracle" of conception. When you delve deeply into the biology of it all, it is impossible not to be amazed at how complex it is and, as a result, how tenuous. Are these miracles of a concrete, biological basis or an abstract, spiritual one? In my opinion, only fools know for sure.

I just feel lucky.

Without further ado, my Pregnancy Diary.