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As I read the previous pages of my journal, I wonder if I have been naive. So much positivity and energy is expressed in those pages. Lately, I can rarely muster either.
I have once again re-entered the world of HIV social work, but only temporarily. At a friend's request, I am filling in for a worker at a very large children's hospital. It's actually quite nice, being a totally different atmosphere from the public hospital where I was previously employed. Even the building is a refreshing change, having been built and decorated for the benefit of its patients, children. Happy, colorful hallways and clinic rooms, safe and relatively clean toys and play areas, all translate to a more relaxed and even jovial staff. It's not bad at all.
Still, I am working very hard at my beauty consulting business, and happily, with some success. Since I have for the time being lost my weekday hours to the hospital, I am pursuing my other business in the evenings, often until very late at night, and on weekends. While it is tiring, I am having a lot of fun.
However, I am so incredibly fatigued, most likely from having to rise before dawn again, walking quite a distance from car to bus to hospital, then brisk walking through the corridors all day long. I seem to arise in the morning with relative ease, but then crater so hard after noon that I have actually on occasion fallen asleep at my desk (something that would have been impossible at my former job!). The thing that I can't determine is which came first -- the physical exhaustion or the emotional depression.
I am tired of the monthly rollercoaster. For some reason, perhaps because I am spending my days surrounded by children, it is becoming harder to stay upbeat. Every month, my soon-to-be-husband and I do the right thing, at the right time, whether we really care to or not. My cycles seem as regular as any woman's could be -- 28 days on the nose, almost to the hour. Yet nothing.
The only thing that keeps me from truly giving in to my down-in-the-dumps attitude is knowing that I still have a wedding to tend to. There is no point, I tell myself half-heartedly, in feeling so pitiful yet since we're not even married, legally. It's only right that conception wait until everything is legally in place. Besides, do I really want morning sickness at my morning wedding? No need to panic just yet. Right?
© Tracy Morris
