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For what it's worth, we are settled into our new temporary housing. Temporary because we have finally decided that this is the last rental house for us; we will buy something soon, probably in the Spring, depending on whether or not I become pregnant.
We're also taking the big leap to fertility medication -- I'm planning to use clomiphene on my next cycle. Our RE, whom we both trust immensely, has recommended it, not because I don't ovulate -- obviously, I do. But it's very likely that our losses have been the result of my aging eggs, although my hormones have thus far tested in the normal, "healthy" egg range. Our logic is that by taking a fertility medication, I should ovulate more than one egg, technically upping the odds that one of them will be the magic cell from me.
I'm excited and a little nervous. The side effects that I've read about seem harmless enough, and at this point, a little increased PMS couldn't possibly be worse than what I go through every month anyway. We feel hopeful, but at the same time are afraid to hold our breath and count our chickens, so to speak. Seems like we have both become vaguely superstitious over the years.
In the meantime, I have acquired yet another little "tide us over" job. My intentionally boring part-time office job is ending due to their business reorganizing, so I have found work in a retail clothing store for just a few hours a week. That plus my counseling at the Ballet Academy will keep my mind and body occupied while we wait.
Oh, and I'm turning 37. Another year, another birthday. I have ceased thinking about the future in terms of my age; that is, if I am able to have children, it won't be at the age that I had originally intended, so I find myself adjusting to the notion that "a Higher Power laughs when we make plans". Sure has been the case in my life, anyway. Fortunately, it doesn't feel so tragic anymore. I do grieve the loss of my youthful potential to, say, be the mother of two or three children who would be born quite a few years apart. But since Jim and I made the conscious decision to call off the battle when I turn 40, I feel less pressured somehow. Maybe it's just that I'll feel lucky to have any kids at all, no matter what my age.
© Tracy Morris
