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Working at the library is a double-edged sword. My nice, quiet job is also very physically demanding, much more so than I had expected. The constant standing and lifting, bending and squatting, reaching and straining ~ I am worried that if I do conceive, I will again miscarry because of the exhausting demands on my body. On the other hand, here I have the opportunity to learn more and more about infertility and miscarriage.
I am having new physical sensations during my cycles, discomforts that lead me to think I could be pregnant. I become so overwrought with worry about my activity level that I call in sick only to lie on the couch all day, praying that if I am pregnant, everything will be okay. I am experiencing a level of fatigue that is unusual, along with the cramping and anxiety. Could it simply be PMS has finally found me, after years of wondering what all of the fuss by other women was about? Is this a result of the pregnancy, or am I pregnant again? I am learning to despise the two weeks of every month where I "could be" pregnant and I walk on eggshells.
However, on the rare occasions at the library when we aren't swamped with kids, I grab a book and hide behind the shelves that I am supposed to be sorting. I am finding that there is so much to know about getting pregnant. I am especially intrigued by the titles that address miscarriage; apparently it most definitely is not uncommon, and I feel betrayed (although by whom, I don't know) that I was not told this before.
I am also becoming aware of the prevalence of loss on the Internet. A computer, one of our wedding gifts, has expanded my world. For the first time in my adult life, I have a hobby that has nothing to do with my professional life. In fact, I have started to explore the areas online that are geared for parents, although I feel like an outsider looking in. There are a few places where women are discussing their infertility problems, and some where miscarriage is a topic.
Sad as it sounds, reading their experiences, many worse than mine, makes me feel better. I cannot imagine going through the number of pregnancy losses that some women are enduring. I simply cannot imagine. They must feel like walking wounded, constantly in emotional pain, never having time to get over the last loss when another occurs.
Aside from my monthly anxiety about losing a pregnancy while I shelve other people's books, I am moving on with my pregnancy pursuits in general. As is the case with HMO's, I am slowly proceeding through their pre-determined path toward changing my primary doctor, having avowed never again to return to that hellish clinic where my miscarriage was all but ignored. Thankfully, my previous employment as a hospital social worker has prepared me for this paper chase.
The entire purpose of seeking primary care is only to get an insurance-accepted referral to the Reproductive Endocrinologist, even though I was already referred by my perinatologist. Typically frustrating though it is, I am somehow actually energized by the pursuit that is necessary to make these medical system wheels turn. The energy I feel, in turn, is creating a hopefulness in me. I feel positive that another pregnancy is coming our way, and all of the statistics that I read say the odds for success, this time, are in our favor.
© Tracy Morris
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