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It is good to have my home to myself again. While I think that our wedding went more smoothly than most I've seen, when I think back now on the last weeks, it feels like some sort of insanity shrouded us. The craziness of running here and there for the wedding plans, then all of the relatives wanting to be near us and make everything alright... I am exhausted and enjoying the quiet of our home.
Jim is better than most at being able to talk and listen, so we do that. I'm not sure, but I think his most intense feelings were more about my welfare than about the baby. He is grieving, to be sure, but I suspect that he is just happy that I am okay. I, on the other hand, am so guilt-ridden and fearful from the experience, I do not feel okay. It matters not a whit that I have been told by the clinic staff and others that first trimester miscarriages "just happen" sometimes.
Is it possible that I was too busy? Did my frenetic pace kill my baby? The cramping sensations that I had experienced before the miscarriage -- were they normal? Perhaps if I had not been so physically active, briskly walking the corridors of the hospital, then keeping up my workout schedule afterward. Maybe the activity somehow "shook" the baby loose from it's safe home in my womb. Could it be that I am too old to have a safe and successful pregnancy, that my body is beyond being able to reproduce while managing my level of physical exercise? Maybe even the mild stretching sensations of yoga led to our loss.
I have resolved to be prepared the next time by tapering down on my physical activity. I have chosen a part-time job at the nearest library, believing that the peace and quiet will provide comfort. I am so keenly aware now of my body's changes. My cycle did not skip a beat, which is very good, but I am experiencing more pain and discomfort, along with wide-swinging moods. I wonder if this is because of the miscarriage. Is my body permanently different because of the pregnancy, even though it failed, or is this temporary?
After our strange experience at the clinic during the miscarriage, I decided to follow-up with the perinatologist whom I had interviewed last year. He was recommended by a friend who had some sort of high risk factor during her pregnancy. He assured me that the overall answer to all of my questions is this: I am not at fault. There is no way to know the cause at this point, but there is nothing that I did to be blamed. He recommends that we try again, and he agrees to be waiting in the wings for us. He also refers me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a fertility expert.
I am trying hard to believe what he says and move on, but I wonder when my heart will stop hurting.
© Tracy Morris
