Flexing My Only Working Muscle

May 1998

Returning to work at the Academy almost a week after my fourth miscarriage, I was greeted with welcomed kindness and hugs from the staff, but the kids had no idea of what had happened. They knew only that I had been out ill.

I knew that this was best, but still, it was difficult to simply pick up where I'd left off with some of them, in their various stages of crisis during this time, the last few weeks of training for some. It's an extremely tense time for these kids, many of whom would literally be finding out if they had just spent their young lives training in vain for a profession that would not have them. One young woman, with whom I'd worked very closely, cratered from the pressure, and we sent her home to Oregon. It is so hard to see someone so young feel like their life has come to an end vocationally.

In the meantime, my new position with The Mining Co. is exciting and diverting my energies away from feeling sad all the time. When we first learned of this latest loss, my mind became mush and I had absolutely no motivation to write the required feature articles for the infertility site that I am now managing. I feared that I would lose the position, but am relieved to learn that the company is flexible. To make up for the time away, I am churning out features on a weekly, rather than bi-weekly, basis, and I now find the job exhilarating. I am writing, at long last!

Doing research for others and then putting my words up on the Internet gives me the sense that what I've been going through is for a reason. I've been helping out on the Moms Online boards for a couple of years now, but only in a casual, non-committed way. Now, with this new company, I am thoroughly committed to try and meet the needs of others who are trying to have a baby, and it feels good.

On the personal front, we await the results still of our last loss, and are too paralyzed by fear to even consider any possibilities. So long as I keep busy with my work and avoid thinking of the rest of my life, everything is okay.