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It is hard to avoid remembering that I was to have given birth to my first child by this time of year. Even though our second loss was practically expected from the moment the pregnancy was discovered, the impact that it has had on me seems to be creeping up from behind.
Last month was so busy, with bridesmaiding in my friend's wedding, helping to throw a large conference as the co-chair of my volunteer organization, trying to make ends meet with my direct-seller income dribbling in... I think that I managed to avoid feeling what has happened to us, and it's finally catching up to me.
As the holiday season begins, I find that even on what I think are "good" days, I can be reduced to emotional rubble in seconds by a sentimental advertisement. Fortunately, since my husband and I are not religious, and since describing our financial situation currently as "tight" is an understatement, we are choosing to avoid buying gifts this year. Shopping malls are out of the question. We'll buy for my sister's kids, my precious niece and nephews, but the grown-ups will have to understand. Frankly, I just want this season to be gone fast.
With the help of my new buddies online, and a few really great websites with easily-understood medical information, I am learning about the possible causes of miscarriage. I am amazed at all of the information that is out there, all of the reasons that could cause one to lose a pregnancy. I had a consultation appointment with my perinatologist to explore his opinion also, and have discussed this with my reproductive endocrinologist. They agree on the tests to be run, so I have once again "given" blood. I'm actually sort of proud that I can now watch as a needle is inserted into my vein, something that has always made me feel woozy and nauseous. It's getting to be old hat now.
I also requested that my RE draw what is referred to as a "torch titer", even though he felt it was not really necessary. Having worked in a hospital and in the homes of HIV-positive children, many of whom have active cases of diseases that a normal immune system will easily fend off, I wanted to put out of my mind once and for all the possibility that I may have transmitted cytomegalovirus or toxoplasmosis to my unborn children. Besides, I've had cats and changed their pans for 16 years -- I would be shocked if my blood did not show antibodies to toxo. The fact that the doctor was willing to draw these even though he felt it unnecessary has convinced me that he's the doc for me. It's tangible evidence that he has genuine empathy for me, and I've seen both professionally and personally that there's no better medicine.
Now, if I can just get through this year...
© Tracy Morris
