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Recent events at my stress-laden job have totally consumed my energy, making baby-making even less appealing. As my dissatisfaction with my duties and position grow, my mind becomes more open to options. After all, I have always toyed with the idea of being a stay-at-home mom...
My position in a large public hospital's outpatient clinic for HIV positive women requires constantly being in "up" mode, something which once came easier to me. Recently I have found myself less and less able to muster the intense energy needed to meet the needs of our patients. I still care, but am feeling increasingly like my own needs are not being met, making it nearly impossible and emotionally draining to continue caring.
There is no doubt in my mind that trying to conceive is playing a part in my growing discontent. It's as if I have rounded a bend in my path, and I'm now ready to completely focus my energies on being married with children.
I watch my supervisor in amazement as she struggles to balance her family's needs with the immense needs of our clinic, its physicians and patients. Several times she has brought her two young children into the office with her for various reasons, bringing more to the forefront of my mind the difficulties of managing a career and young family. She handles more than a few phone calls daily from her husband, usually regarding the children, and is sometimes called away without notice to provide transportation from school to daycare or home. I grimace silently as I hear her describe her attempts to fit in a daily workout on home gym equipment while somehow maintaining a clean home. This I can say for her -- she is thin; but then, who wouldn't be.
Having worked with families for my entire career, thoughts about handling competing priorities are not new to me. However, my impending marriage and parenthood are looming larger now. I find it challenging just to manage a household of dogs and cats, a husband-to-be from a large family, a demanding career, a regular workout schedule of walking and weights, wedding plans, and volunteer work. Where am I planning on fitting kids in this picture? Something's gotta give...
© Tracy Morris
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