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After spending a few days at my favorite place in the world, I am feeling ready to resume our journey.
It helps that, during our vacation, Jim and I discussed and tentatively agreed upon a time to wrap-up our pursuits. Rather than feeling like a deadline, our conscious decision to be tentative about the cessation of "trying" helps to make it feel more realistic, less desperate. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am definitely not having children within the timetable I had hoped for.
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We have decided (for now) that if we have not been successful in having a child by the time I am 40, we will quit seeking intervention and make plans to live in my favorite place, this beach.
The decision of where to live goes hand-in-hand right now with the growth (or lack thereof) of our family. The house we are currently renting, where we have lost all of our babies, is being sold out from under us -- of course, we could have made an offer but unfortunately know more about the ailments of this house than we care to bargain for. So we are looking to make a purchase, and with that comes thinking about the future. We both agree that it makes no sense, really, to make plans to live somewhere that would be great for kids if that is our only reason for choosing it and we have no kids. This frees us to think about other options.
This new ability to actually consider living where I have always felt the most relaxed is indeed freeing. With realtors coming and going, usually without notice, our daily existence has become very tense. Knowing that, if we choose, we can pack it all in and move on is some days the only solace I can find. If I cannot have children, at least I can live somewhere that makes me happy. Interestingly, that very thought has released me to the point of wanting to track the ol' BBT again...
© Tracy Morris
