Finding the Beginning

September 1997

If ever I pondered whether or not I am a religious agnostic, I need wonder no longer. I finally found the time to collect a few library books on Buddhism and have in turn convinced myself that there is no one deity which satisfies me.

After completing my last lengthy assignment at the hospital, I have determined that what I need most right now is time to pay attention to myself. Of course, this does nothing positive for our financial situation, but I have landed yet another little part-time job that combines nicely with my pleasant hours at the Ballet Academy. The new job is totally mindless office work with a couple of ladies who I really like, and the Ballet provides just enough of an avenue to maintain my counseling skills and look occasionally outward. For now, my primary goal is looking inward.

So, after many, many years of wondering if I am Buddhist, I dove into the library. Granted, Buddhists might argue that they do not consider Buddha to be a deity; the point remains that I am steadfastly uncomfortable with the thought of relying on any one source for inspiration, comfort, or direction. I am still convinced that it is best (for me) to draw on a variety of powers; the problem is one of knowing how and having the discipline to make use of them.

I feel like I am starting over somehow. I have no desire at this time to jump through the required hoops in order to conceive. I want to be happy, damn it, and so far this trying to and getting pregnant thing has not done it for me. I am being decidedly self-centered, and I don't care. Fortunately, Jim, I think, is in the same boat -- we'd have a real problem on our hands if he felt gung-ho right now.

So I thought, since I love yoga so much and have meditated in various ways for years, maybe Buddhism is an answer. Well, maybe it is. But after reading through the books on beginner Buddhism, and seeing the years of learning and listening and practicing that are recommended, I think I've decided that I am too American. I want something to click with me right now, not years from now. In the meantime, I will continue my search for meaning through my mere daily existence...