Are We There Yet?

September 1998

Either the universe really wants to give us another shot at it, or it's playing with our minds -- we are pregnant again.

Completely unsure of how to take this news, we are both quite subdued in our reactions. Now, being pregnant means waiting, worrying, keeping secrets from others, and trying not to expect anything. Even the old adage, "Hope for the best, expect the worst," doesn't apply here. We are trying to not even think about it.

Unfortunately, that's definitely not so easy this time -- I feel very pregnant already. Some of it is the progesterone supplement that I am taking, replete with incredible nausea. My thighs have barely recovered from the bruising left by heparin injections during Number Four, and here we are, jabbing me again.

The funny thing is, I almost donated our bodies to science in an effort to solve the mystery of the recurring trisomies.

The good thing about vacations is having time to let one's mind wander. The bad thing about vacations is having that time, too. I spent our time at the beach obsessing about what could possibly be done to prevent yet another miscarriage, and decided to contact researchers at Baylor. When we returned home, I did just that, and was actually speaking to a geneticist about the possibilities.

What I learned is that it's possible to get normal karyotypes from blood draws even when the actual sex cells, eggs and sperm, may have abnormalities in them. Great. This means that it's possible Jim and I are doomed to continually create babies that won't make it. The geneticist and I had planned a later phone call to discuss further any ways for us to access preimplantation genetic diagnosis, but it's moot now. Well, moot in that implantation has occurred, but perhaps even more of a worry now that I know we are not chromosomally off the hook.

It's been easier to keep our news from others, this time. After the last loss, both Jim and I agreed that this all seems to be even harder on our loved ones than on us. We know what we are feeling and thinking, while they can only guess, and it's very painful for them to watch us undergo losing what we want so badly, time and time again. So this time, we'll wait a little bit to tell.

I've let the administrator at the Academy know, just in case anything comes up and I have to be gone again quickly. Made sure that she understood no celebrations are in order, by any means, that it was just a matter of logistics that I was telling her.

Once again, I take to my couch. This time, I will let the house go to pot, the dogs will survive not being walked, and I will bury myself in work at the computer with my feet up, all in an effort to bring forth finally what we never have before.

I feel very matter-of-fact about this pregnancy. We will do what we must to nurture it, and in the end, if it happens, it happens.

  • Are We There Yet?