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Infertility, like other extremely stressful life events, cannot be simply swept out of one's life with the dust. It permanently changes who you are, like it or not. Even after that miracle baby is born or adopted, there will be feelings and thoughts that resonate throughout your life as a parent, feelings and thoughts that you would not have were it not for the difficulties experienced in bringing that child into your family.
In a previous feature on secondary infertility, I discuss the similarities and differences for infertile people who have children and those who do not yet. In short, there are many similarities and a few differences. As many of you reading this already know, the longing for another child can be as strong as your longing for the first. It is difficult, if not impossible, for anyone who hasn't yet conceived to comprehend those "secondary" emotions. Like many situations in life, there's only so much that can be done to help that understanding along.
The bottom line is that an infertile person with a child is just that: still infertile. Even for those who conceive more easily after finally having Baby Number One, there are the same fears and concerns when trying to conceive subsequent children.
It sounds as though this woman is confused also about the definition of infertility. Perhaps, like many who are new to the arena, she is thinking of infertility as a disease, one single entity which is corrected somehow and permanently. You have infertility, you have it fixed, you have a baby, you're good to go for life.
Whatever her reasons for such harsh expressions, it is quite obvious that she's in a great deal of pain. Naturally, my response to her was an attempt to help her feel okay about grieving, in addition to a little education on secondary infertility. I don't know if she got it.
I only know that her loud commentary reflects the incredible impact of infertility, and I believe it to mirror the silent thoughts of many primaries. Granted, such thoughts are about as constructive as people in the Middle East comparing their wartime life to those of people in Dublin. It all hurts, and the hurt never goes away for most. Still, it's something that those of us who have managed to come to some resolution, even if not permanently, should remember when talking to others.
© Tracy Morris
