Red, White, and Blues?, Page 2

Prepare for what you may see and feel as if you're surrounded by: children and happy families. Prepare for the things you may hear, even from loved ones. Deborah Tennant, editor of Infertility Helper, stresses that what you do not want is to "climb into bed with this year's bestsellers, a good supply of CDs, and a large delivery menu, and wait for sanity to resume in January." Instead, prepare yourself now so that the holidays can actually provide respite for you and your partner.

Part of preparation may be practice. Author Kristen Magnacca in our Surviving Mother's Day discussion suggested practicing what you'll say when family or friends ask those questions, or offer that advice. Preparation may mean that you skip the family gatherings altogether and plan a romantic winter vacation. (Now you're seeing why we're having this discussion in July!)

That sort of preparation brings us 'round to re-focusing. Have you ever changed the frame around a picture, only to find that in a different frame the picture appears quite different? Re-frame the holidays. Now, it may take a good cry to get there, but think of the possibilities: take advantage of being childless, if you are, during the holidays. RESOLVE and others encourage us to throw or attend a "No Kids Allowed" party, visit romantic nightspots without needing to hire a babysitter, or just bring out the candles and turn on the answering machine! You may have to explain yourself a little (backtrack to "Preparation"), but for some, a briefly uncomfortable "no, thank you" can be less painful than a family home joyously full of children.

While families are most often the focus of holidays, emotional pain is not. Now is the time to think about how you and your partner will respond to the expectations that will come your way. You may, as is demonstrated on Conceiving Concepts, choose to avoid the usual family gatherings altogether. Or you might want to make the holiday an opportunity to share with others what you have been going through; some tips for that, too, are found on Conceiving Concepts. At any rate, the decision you make with your partner should bring you closer together, and perhaps emphasize the family that the two of you already are.